My Secret Garden
So if you read the Splinter Cell comic I posted yesterday, you might have seen the man-ladder page. As the last step, it says,
“Should you discover exciting new feelings for your partner, bury them deep within yourself. Think of it as a secret garden, where someday love might bloom.”
It’s weird because I’ve been noticing/remembering a lot of “bloom” references lately. Maybe it’s just the… springiness… surrounding me. There’s that one, and when Judy and I were watching the movie at Old Teahouse, there was a line where the girl goes, “When will we meet again?” and the hero replies, “In the spring, when the flowers bloom.” Man, that’s old school. 
Oh, and I randomly remembered that line from Celebrity Jeopardy where French Stewart goes, “I’m a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I’m going to bloom!” There are a couple more, too, like one Calvin and Hobbes comic where Calvin makes fun of Susie and then she beats him up, and Hobbes comes by and says something to effect of, “Ah, spring! The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming…”
But anyways, that last paragraph was just a long, long tangent. Or several tangents, depending on how you look at it. :slaps himself: OK, back on track, though… Going back to the quote from Splinter Cell. Of all the places to get romantic ideas, right? I know. I’m such a dork.
You say that things have been awkward between us lately, and that you want to be friends again. I agree. If you’re not interested, I hope we can at least be friends again. But it’s easier said than done. Moreso for me than for you. I mean, you listened to what I had to say, and (very deftly) brushed me off without trampling all over my feelings. Which is very generous of you. But now, before we can really be friends again, I have to bury my feelings for you and make sure they never bloom. And it’s hard. Really hard. Especially when it seems like the one you care about doesn’t seem to care for you. At least not as much as you do for him. Then again, what do I know about that? You never talked to me about it directly. Not that you had to, but I’m just saying… I have no knowledge to work from. But your Xangas, your away messages… they point in that direction. Every time you mention that he hurt you… it hurts me, too.
Before, I thought you were talking about me. I thought I was doing something horribly wrong. But apparently not. Well, actually, I was. But not in the sense of hurting you. I hope. Wow, this has become very circular. I guess my point is, I don’t know if you know, but I wasn’t kidding last night. I would give you anything. I may not have much, but if it’s within my means, it’s yours for the taking. The Empire State Building may take a little time, but I’ve got the band-aids (and bucket) ready.
So what is the point of all this? In my very limited experience with girls, I’ve never had one who wanted to stay friends afterwards. Either they would avoid me, or I would avoid them, to fight off the bitter sting of rejection. I do want to be friends with you. But it’s going to take some time for me to salt my garden, since I’ve never done it before. Maybe talking it all out with you like you suggested is the way to go. But somehow I doubt it. I think if I said everything I wanted to say to you, you would probably think I’m really crazy and never talk to me again. And I wouldn’t blame you. I probably wouldn’t mind, either, because if I said everything I wanted to say, there would be bad stuff, too. And I wouldn’t want to face you after hurting you like that - like I said I would never do.
EDIT: I dunno why I wrote this now. I don’t really feel better. And I’m definitely never going to let this see the light of day. Should I just delete it? Well, I double-checked it to make sure no one can ever read it but me. I guess I’ll just let it sit for now and let time decide if that was the right choice.